Saturday, June 25, 2011

It's a long hard road outta hell...

Where did a year go?

I'd love to say I was living the fabulous life, full of escapades and poignancy (which, in retrospect, I was to some degree) - but the majority of the past year has been spent in a dark pit of despair called DEPRESSION.

Admitting this is a double edged sword. It is a huge burden off of my shoulders to realize that I'm not insane, something is *indeed* wrong with me, and I am a little crazy. Wait, what? You get my point. First step to conquering a problem is admitting you have one. And admitting it means conceding that I have weakness, and need help from those I love to triumph over this hard time. The stigma alone gives me anxiety, which I have plenty enough of. No, surely not the queen of beer and laughter? Not the girl with the infectious laughter and quick wit? Yeah her. And it realizing that I am all of these things, I realize that the people most important to me don't give a flying shit if I'm having a crazy day, a morose day, or a spasdically happy day. They love me anyway. Screw my perfectionism. My flaws are what make me me. And flawed I shall be.

So that being said, your plucky friend, The Anti-Stepford (cue hero music) is returning for another valiant go at this here mess of a blog. I hope you're still interested - I've certainly got a metric shit-ton to say.

Now the year certainly wasn't all doom and gloom, all the time. Jane Siberry's "It Won't Rain All The Time" wasn't on repeat (okay, maybe the occasional shuffle) and there were some definite amazing times to be had. I got to sing with one of my best friends in her band, returned to work (left/returned/left... that's another story), laughed and loved with my husband, and created art and writing as well as gamed and drank whiskey. (Gentleman Jack and I are on the outs right now, as it were. Cheeky bastard) I even miraculously managed to make some new (INCREDIBLE) friends! AoA, you have been a lifesaver.

Mainly, I was lucky enough to watch the Youngling grow from a toddler to a full-fledged little boy. Lanky arms and legs and infectious laugh, any trace of the baby he once was is gone. My uterus weeps. (Fucking Uterus!)

But there were also some pretty dark points, some lows that its been tough to rise past. And I realize that while I enjoy writing, and being the quirky narrator of my happy little shit-show for you all, I have failed you. Yes, dear readers, I grovel for forgiveness - because I lacked the one thing I needed most. Honesty.

A plasticene smile and iron resolve that everything is OK FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK! walled me away from my genuine emotions, and made it damned near impossible to effectively communicate - weather in the real world or the fabulous interwebz. So my resolve is remedy that.

Now before you get yer knickers in a twist, please know that I have no intention of changing my life or how I share it with you in any monumental way. Trust me if this blog gets Emo, I want one of y'all to be the first to slap me. But there can be no honesty without sharing both the highs and lows of this crazy journey that is my life.

Will I post daily? HA! Probably not. But I'd still like to keep my SuperNerdSaturday tradition, and keep a better track record than a year between posts. And occasionally, if I falter, as I do - feel free to shoot me line or gentle bitch-slap. I could use it, to keep on the straight and narrow. Er, well, at least some semblance of direction.

-Listening to: Explosions In The Sky - Glittering Blackness via FoxyTunes

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